Forever Burn Page 9

  Gi’s mouth dropped open. “No fucking way! Really? What did you say?”

  “I said no.”

  Her eyes widened, mouth still open. “Tatum Dianne Everley! Why? I mean, I know why, but like…” she trailed off.

  My head shook back and forth. I bit my lip at the pain of the thought. “I—I don’t know. My mind just isn’t ready and it’s not like he’s the best idea.”

  “Tate, c’mon, are you kidding right now? He has done like a complete one-eighty for you. He hasn’t been sleeping around or fighting anyone. He’s shown you sides of him that no one else has seen. And he defends you any and every time you need him to. Just for once, stop overthinking.”

  She was right. I did always overthink everything. Because following my heart instead of my head in the past had only led me to a world of pain and shame. And now, to overcompensate for jumping into shitty situations, my mind tried to take every detail into account before jumping into anything at all. But it seemed like now, it was only hurting me instead of saving me.

  “Well either way, it’s too late Gi. I already told him no. I can’t fix that now,” I glanced back down.

  I could feel her eyes study me for a second before she sighed. “When we get back to the dorms, we are both going to shower, change, maybe eat a little breakfast cause I’m hungry as shit, and then we are going back to the apartment and you’re talking to him,” she insisted.

  “Gi, I really don’t know—”

  “I’m serious, Tatum,” she interrupted me. “You’ve been beating yourself up over the situation for weeks. Stop letting Connor continue to control your life. Just talk to Axel about things. That’s all I’m asking.”

  The anxiety building up inside of me was overwhelming, but if I didn’t take control of it now, it would just keep controlling me.

  “Okay,” I finally agreed.

  I had taken a long shower to wash off my stress and nerves, trying to convince myself to just trust myself and to trust Axel. I took all the time in the world getting ready, slowly preparing myself to go talk to Axe. We hadn’t told the boys we were coming over, but we knew they would be home. And plus, texting Axe before going there would only add to my anxiety about it, which would make me start to overthink again.

  By the time we stopped at the dining center to eat, it was already lunchtime. A little under four hours had passed since we left the apartment and as much as I hated that Gi was dragging me back there to talk to Axe, I knew it was the right thing to do.

  I could barely eat with the amount of nerves that were circulating around in my body and the drive there only made it worse.

  For the first time, the door was unlocked. The familiarity of the apartment as we walked in somehow caused my nerves to calm down a bit.

  Ash was sitting on the couch watching tv. He turned his head towards us. “Gianna! Hi, baby!” His face dropped when he saw me. “Tate,” he smiled nervously, his eyes going back and forth between Gi and I, “you’re back.”

  “Yeah, I just figured I—”

  The sound of bed springs caught my attention. The moans coming from Axel’s room were too loud to be mistaken. My eyes glossed over, embarrassment running through my veins that this was what I came back for.

  The noises ceased and within a few minutes, a woman came out of the room, fully dressed, her long, black hair in slight disarray. She walked past Ash and Gi, coming to a halt when she recognized me. “Oh, hey,” she smiled. It was impossible not to identify her as our waitress from the night Axel took me out to dinner.

  I looked away from her, saying nothing. Our waitress kept walking, stopping at the door. “Just call me whenever, Axel!” She yelled before exiting.

  “Alright, Brooke!” he shouted from his bedroom.

  Gianna turned to me. “Tate,” she whispered, “I am so sorry. Let’s just leave right now.”

  My eyes stayed on the floor, disappointed with myself, once again, for being stupid enough to believe that the world had been trying to help me.

  “Hey Ash, would you want to—” Axel emerged out of his room in nothing but his boxers, stopping midsentence as he saw me. “Tate,” he started, “you… you came back.”

  I wanted to both cry and to punch him in the face. But I just stood there, in silence and disgust. Not saying a word.

  “Yeah, she came back! She came back to talk about you two being together, and then she walks in on this shit!” Gianna screamed.

  “Gi…” Ash whispered, reaching towards Gianna.

  “No!” she shouted, resisting his touch. “Don’t even try to defend him. What he just did was beyond shitty.”

  Axel didn’t break eye contact with me, even with Gianna’s screams.

  “Tate, I—”

  “Don’t,” I finally spit out, making my way out of the apartment. I ran down the stairs and walked through the parking lot, heading straight towards Gianna’s car.

  “Tate, please, stop!” Axel shouted, running after me.

  He looked ridiculous following me outside in nothing but his boxers, but still not as ridiculous as I looked for falling for his bullshit.

  I wiped my tears away quickly, tugging at the car door. “Shit,” I uttered to myself. It was locked.

  Axel’s hand lightly grabbed my wrist, swinging me around to face him. “Tate, please. I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave.”

  “And why would I stay?”

  He could hear the hurt in my tone, but I couldn’t change the way the words were coming out. Axel’s eyes slightly glossed over too, not giving a single fuck that he was standing in public, basically naked. He locked his fingers together, placing them on top of his head. His weight rocked back and forth, breathing heavily with grief instead of anger this time.

  “It’s just… last night fucking hurt. I’ve never wanted to be anything with anyone ever, but you’re the only one I’ve ever felt this way about. And when I woke up and you had left, I—I just… needed to not feel alone,” his lips quivered. “I mean, you said last night that you didn’t want to be with me and I—”

  “No,” I cut him off, “I said I couldn’t be with you, not that I didn’t want to be with you.”

  Axe’s hands fell back to his sides, glossy green irises staying on me. He took a step closer to me, setting his bare chest against mine.

  “Do you want to be with me?” he slowly asked.

  “Yes.” A smile came across his face. “But I can’t,” I finished, causing his smile to fall.

  His shaking hands carefully moved my hair out of my face. “But why?”

  My eyes drifted down to the ground. “It’s hard to explain. I just need to leave,” I turned away.

  “Tate, please stay.”

  His voice made my stomach drop. I had never heard such a desperate tone come out of his mouth, or anyone else for that matter.

  Gianna made her way to the car, unlocking it quickly. I reached for the door handle. More tears burned my eyes, preparing to fall.

  “Tate?”

  I turned. Axe pulled his eyebrows in, hoping that I would give in. But because of Connor, I had learned my lesson.

  “I can’t be with you,” I quietly said, opening the door.

  “Okay… okay if that’s how you feel, then you don’t have to be. Just please… please don’t leave right now,” he pleaded.

  I took one last look at Axe before getting into the car.

  “Just drive, Gi,” I stated, my tears finally making their way down my cheeks.

  Axe banged on the window, reluctant to let me leave. “Tate, please! I’m begging you! Please stay!”

  As she drove away, I glanced in the side mirror.

  Axe stood in the parking lot with his head tilted back, covering his face with his hands. I sat in the car with an intolerable pain in my chest.

  Great. The exact feeling that I was trying to avoid.

  My phone hadn’t stopped buzzing since the second I left the apartment. Texts, calls, and voicemails were flooding my phone, but I ignored all of them. />
  My brain was fuzzy, overwhelmed with a million emotions. Sadness and disappointment were inevitable, but anger made its way around too. I was pissed at Axel for not only sleeping with Brooke, but for even thinking to call her in the first place. And on top of being pissed at him, I was pissed at myself too. Because if it wasn’t for me denying him last night, he wouldn’t have felt the need to call Brooke. I knew that I shouldn’t be blaming myself, but I couldn’t help it. That’s just the way my mind worked.

  Claire, Penelope, and I all sat in my room. They tried their best to comfort me and get my mind off of it, but all I really wanted was to be alone. I couldn’t get the idea of Axel and Brooke out of my head, no matter how sick the image made me feel. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt since the day Connor and Nicole got married.

  “Hey,” Gianna gently said as she walked in. “I just got off the phone with Ash. Apparently, Axe is driving himself crazy and Ash couldn’t stop him from leaving. He’s coming here.”

  I smacked myself in the head with the palm of my hand. Awesome. More confrontation. Exactly the opposite of what I needed right now.

  “I just wanted to warn you before he showed up,” Gi added.

  I took a deep breath, sighing. My dry eyes searched the room for what to do. Should I leave before Axe got here? Or should I stay and bear the pain of talking to him?

  Before I could even weigh the options, there was a sudden knock on the door, and everyone eyed me, waiting for my next move.

  “Tate? I know you’re in there. Please open up. I really need to talk to you,” Axe spoke through the door.

  I carefully climbed out of bed and slowly strode over to the door. My shaking hand lingered on the doorknob for a second before pulling it open.

  Axel’s red, splotchy eyes gazed into mine, a clear sign that he was also in distress.

  “We’ll all just… let you guys have some privacy,” Claire awkwardly stood, motioning for Penelope and Gi to follow.

  Gi stopped before walking out, glancing back at me. ‘I’m sorry,’ she mouthed to me.

  She had concluded that some of it was her fault since she had insisted on bringing me back to the apartment. But I didn’t want her to put any blame on herself, knowing how terrible carrying guilt felt.

  “Can I come in?” Axe kindly asked. I nodded, unprepared to hear what he had to say. “I can’t even tell you how sorry I am,” his voice rattled.

  “You don’t have to, Axe. It’s fine,” I said, even though we all knew it wasn’t.

  “No, it’s not fine. You shouldn’t have had to see or hear what happened,” he shook his head, closing his eyes. “When I woke up this morning and you were gone,” his voice trembled, “that was the closest I’ve felt to the day my dad left when I was a kid.” He looked away. “And when my mom died, that’s when I started having a temper and fighting and eventually sleeping around because the guilt was too much, so I had to distract myself somehow. But you make me feel like I don’t need to do that stuff. I guess this morning, I just… fell back into old habits from the thought of not being with you,” his eyes trailed back up to me. Even glossy and splotchy, those green eyes were still beautiful.

  My gaze fell to the floor, unsure of how to respond.

  “Tate, I feel like shit. I haven’t felt this much guilt since my mom died.”

  “What happened?” I quietly asked before thinking. I had been wondering what happened with Axe’s parents since we went out to dinner for the first time, but there had never been a good time to ask. The subject had never been brought up before now. I finally placed the piece of his father into the puzzle, understanding that Axe’s father had abandoned his three children.

  Axe blinked an abnormal amount of times, fidgeting. I felt bad for putting him on the spot. He clearly didn’t want to talk about the issue, which made me feel bad for asking.

  “You don’t have to tell me,” I said.

  Axe nervously looked around, taking a deep breath before speaking, but even as he did, his eyes stayed locked with the floor. “I was eight when my dad left. My mom remarried a few years later, to this guy Paul, but he was an asshole. Got shitfaced drunk every day. Violent. Abusive,” he paused, scratching the back of his neck. “Then one night when I was twelve, Amberly and Ash weren’t home, but I was in my room, about to go to bed. I started to hear shouting coming from downstairs after he’d been drinking. They had gotten into an argument and he lost his temper and…” he swallowed hard, “killed her.”

  My heart dropped in my chest, absolutely sickened at the thought. Ash had told me previously that their mom had passed, but I never could’ve guessed that it would have been from such a violent, tragic way. I couldn’t imagine how Axe must have felt.

  No wonder why Axel had put all his energy into sex and fighting. He had the worst childhood possible. It explained why he was constantly getting in trouble. I started to feel bad for him, almost guilty from the way I treated him. But even though his current lifestyle had finally made sense to me, his intentions towards me still didn’t.

  “Axe, I’m so sorry. That’s… absolutely terrible,” my voice shook.

  When Connor used to give me excuses as to why he would act a certain way or do certain things, he would always tell me exactly what I wanted to hear, whether it was true or not. And every time he would lie, I would easily be able to tell, but I would let him get away with it anyways because I wanted to believe he was telling the truth. But standing here now, listening to Axe talk, there was absolutely no way he was lying to me. His eyes told me everything. When I first met Axe, he seemed like the type of guy who never wanted to show his weakness. He kept everything bottled up inside, putting on a show for everyone else. And now, here he was, breaking down in front of me.

  The thought of being with Axe scared the absolute shit out of me, but the thought of losing him entirely was even worse. I wanted to kiss him. I longed to feel his arms hug tightly around me. But first, I needed to tell him the truth. This was the first time Axel had mentioned his parents to me. Talking about them clearly made him upset and uncomfortable, but he was honest, and I knew I needed to be the same.

  “Axe, the real reason why I said I couldn’t be with you has really nothing to actually do with you.” I grabbed his hand and tugged him over to the futon, sitting down next to him. Starting from the beginning, I explained everything that happened with Connor and Nicole, shivering the entire time I spoke. I had rarely ever said either of their names aloud since their engagement and I dreaded any time I had to talk about the situation, but even with my racing heart, I knew it was necessary.

  Axel’s hand covered my shaking one. “So, when Gianna said flashbacks?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, that’s the C-PTSD kicking in.”

  His thumb caressed the top of my hand. “They diagnosed me with acute PTSD after what happened with my mom, which is when symptoms last about three months after the trauma. So even though I don’t have those symptoms anymore, I know what it feels like to carry emotional baggage.”

  I was amazed with how understanding he was being. Knowing that Axe knew what my symptoms felt like made me feel comforted. Axe was a great listener, which made me happy, since I had never gotten that before.

  My eyes peered into his. Emerald eyes shone exquisitely in the light. My new favorite sight.

  Axe leaned in, connecting his mouth to mine and I immediately reciprocated. His hand lightly cupped my cheek as mine moved to the back of his neck. I pulled away, a smile covering my face.

  His green irises lit up. “I wanna make all of this up to you.”

  “How?” I grinned.

  “Anything you want. We can go eat if you’re hungry or go to the mall or something,” he winked, standing up and guiding me up with him. Butterflies swirled in my stomach at the sight of his charming smile.

  But in reality, I didn’t need him to do anything for me. I didn’t need him to take me anywhere or spend money on me. All I needed was to spend the day with him.

  “I don’t
need anything,” I shook my head, laughing.

  “Well we’re going to the mall anyways,” he said, tugging on my hand.

  When he opened the door, Claire, Gi, and Penelope fell into the room. “Were you guys listening through the door?” I asked.

  Claire shrugged her shoulders. “We needed to hear the tea.”

  I rolled my eyes, stepping over all of them. “You guys are ridiculous.”

  “Don’t do anything that we wouldn’t do!” Penelope yelled as Axel and I made our way down the hall.

  After our entire conversation, I felt the ability to be a lot more open with Axe. We hadn’t talked about what we were or being official, which I was fine with, because I needed things to be taken slow and he knew it too. Axe knew my whole past now and knew about my ongoing struggle with my disorder, but just because he knew, didn’t mean I was prepared to jump into a relationship. I’d be lying if I continued to say I didn’t have feelings for Axe, but I didn’t fully trust him. After all, he still slept with someone else this morning.

  Axe and I adventured through the mall, never dropping our smiling faces. My left hand was entwined with his, my right hand cupped his forearm as I leaned into him.

  We came across a jewelry store and I peeked through the glass as we walked by.

  “Do you wanna go in there?” Axe asked, noticing that I was looking.

  I turned to him, bringing my brows in. “No, that store is too expensive,” I replied, continuing to stride passed it.

  He stopped in his tracks, his grip on my hand causing me to come to a sudden halt as well. I tugged, motioning for him to keep moving. “Let’s go in,” he insisted, cocking his head over to the jewelry store.

  I shook my head, still yanking on his hand. He wrapped his arms around me from behind, beginning to guide me over to the store. I laughed as I struggled to stop him, but it was useless. He was too strong. It was impossible to get out of his tattooed grip.

  I was grateful to see that the woman working the store was slightly older, so no flirtation towards Axel would be performed. At least I hoped not.