Forever Burn Read online

  Claire was taken off guard at my rant. Her facial expression turned from anger to sadness, realizing that I was right. Her eyes glared down at her shoes, but I couldn’t tell if she was upset with me or if she was upset with herself.

  “I’m sorry,” her small mouth muttered into the stiff air. “I guess I have been spending a lot of time with Jason instead of you guys.”

  My anger subsided a little. “I mean, it’s fine. I get it. You like him a lot. But c’mon… inviting them to everything?”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. I should’ve asked you first.”

  I slowly nodded, biting the inside of my cheek as Claire climbed up my bedside ladder, falling onto me with a hug.

  “Forgive me, bestie?”

  I sighed. “You’re forgiven. Just don’t pull that shit again.”

  “Got it,” Claire nodded. “You really are the best,” she expressed through her smile.

  I laughed, “I know.”

  “Did Lucas really grope you?”

  “Yep,” I responded, cringing at the thought.

  “And Axel helped you? Interesting.”

  “Very.”

  “Well, as long as you’re just friends, then I guess there’s nothing to worry about.”

  “Yeah,” I quietly responded, attempting to believe myself. “Nothing to worry about.”

  Chapter Seven

  The Rose & The Cigarette

  After Claire found out about Axel, Gianna felt that it was a good opportunity to tell Claire about Ashton too. We were both relieved that Claire finally knew about the boys, so that we wouldn’t have to keep sneaking behind her back anytime we went to go hang out with them. Claire was most definitely unhappy that we had been lying to her, but she contained her anger and brushed it off, which we were beyond grateful for.

  As Halloween rolled around, I contemplated how this year would go. On top of the stress of finding a perfect costume, the three of us hadn’t spent a Halloween apart in years and with our new, different friend groups, we didn’t know how to handle it. Jason would absolutely not leave behind Lucas, but we all knew that if him and Axe were in the same room together, it would be a blood bath.

  The three of us roamed around the Halloween store, looking for good costumes. I wanted something that made me stand out from everyone else. The typical “sexy cat” or Playboy bunny was not up my alley.

  After a seemingly failed mission, I came across an overly sparkly yellow top. It was very cropped, almost looking like a bra. The jewels nearly blinded me, but it sure as hell was pretty. I took it off the hanger and held it up to my body in the mirror that was set up in the corner of the store.

  “That’s cute. What would you be with it though?” Claire stood behind me, scrunching her face deeply in thought.

  I studied myself in the mirror for a minute, taking in my long, brown hair with the yellow top.

  “What if I wore black spandex with it and did my hair half up, half down and was Belle?”

  “Oh my God, yes! And then you can have a rose too,” Gianna voiced.

  I pushed my lips over to one side. “Do you think Axel would like it though?”

  I could see Gi and Claire look at each other in the mirror. “Tate,” Gianna started.

  “What?”

  “Just date him already,” she tilted her head to the side.

  I eyed her in the mirror. “No way!”

  “Why not!” she bounced back.

  I dropped the yellow top by my side, taking a deep breath. “Because I don’t have feelings for him like that.” Lie. Total lie. Absolute. Complete. Utter lie. We all knew I had some feelings for Axe, but the feeling that controlled me the most was fear.

  They both shook their heads at me, identifying my bullshit. “Yes, you do. You’re just trying to convince yourself that you don’t because you’re afraid he’s going to end up being like Connor.” I winced at the name. “Sorry,” she added.

  Even though in the back of my mind, I knew she was completely right, there was no way I would accept it.

  I continued to stare in the mirror, avoiding answering.

  “Well to answer your question, I think he’d love it!” Claire joined in smiling, trying to clear the awkward silence in the air.

  Her reaction gave me a tiny grin, and after looking at the top one more time in the mirror, I was sold.

  I finished curling my hair, throwing half of it up to create Belle’s hairstyle. My long, curly brown locks rested against my back, matching perfectly with my sparkly yellow top. The black spandex and the short, black heels that I wore made my legs look even longer.

  “Oh! I love it!” Claire said, opening my door. Her enthusiasm made me excited. I was pumped knowing that I looked good in the costume I decided to wear. It gave me a bit of confidence, which was huge for me, because Connor had taken all of mine. I had worked hard over the last year and a half to gain my confidence back and the longer I was out of Wilmot, the more I had.

  Claire’s devil horns rested easily on top of her straightened hair. Gianna walked in behind her, dressed as an angel. They usually wore matching costumes each year, so this year was no different. The only difference was that we would be attending divergent parties.

  “So, are you ready to go meet the boys at the apartment?” Gi asked.

  I held up a finger, signaling her to give me a second, before painting my lips with a light pink to complete my costume. I usually did red on my lips, so doing a light pink was a good change for the night. I glanced at myself in the mirror again, then nodded.

  Gi offered to drive us in her car, which I was thankful for, because my nerves were too distracting. I had felt more confident than I had in a long time, which sadly, made me nervous. I didn’t know if it was the fear of being wrong about the way I looked tonight or if it was simply the fear that my confidence would once again be wrecked.

  I sat in the passenger seat, not only nervous about seeing Axel, but also nervous about Gianna driving, but I wasn’t in the mindset to be driving myself.

  After dropping Claire off at Jason’s, we started to head towards the apartment. I bobbed my leg up and down in the passenger seat, staring out the window.

  “Stop that. Your nerves are making me nervous,” Gi laughed.

  “Sorry,” I quietly apologized.

  “You really have nothing to be nervous about, Tate.”

  I kept my eyes out the window, watching the buildings and other cars pass by. “I know,” I sighed. “I just… can’t figure myself out.”

  “Well stop rushing yourself. You always feel the need to know exactly what’s going to happen and when it’s going to happen. Just breathe and let fate take its course,” she assured me.

  But that’s exactly what I was afraid of. After everything that I’d been through, I couldn’t even trust fate. I could not trust the world for shit. The world was out to get me, and I knew it. I felt emotionally unsafe, as if any and every guy was out to ruin me. It was a normal way to feel when you had C-PTSD. I didn’t want those thought processes to brand me forever, but my mind couldn’t wrap its way around how to successfully get past it without getting hurt in the process.

  Ashton opened the apartment door for us, as usual.

  “What do you guys think?” he stood, flexing his muscles in his police officer costume.

  “The shades are a nice touch,” I giggled as he nodded in a dorky way. I knew that Axel wasn’t out of his room yet, but the second I stepped inside, all I wanted was for him to be.

  Ash gave me a friendly hug before wrapping his arms tightly around Gi, lifting her feet off the ground. A modest grin found its way onto my face, but a little hint of jealously peeked up too at how perfect they seemed to be. Don’t get me wrong, I was overjoyed by how happy Claire and Gi both were in Jason and Ashton’s presence, but I was jealous by how easily they could put themselves out there. A lot of people in the world had trust issues, but for some reason, they could get past theirs and I couldn’t. Was something wrong with me?


  Axel emerged from his bedroom. The sight of him caused my heart to skip a beat. He was wearing black from head to toe. I had never seen his hair slicked back until now, but it sure as hell looked good on him. Black shades covered his eyes, a superb addition to the unlit cigarette in between his lips. The black t-shirt he wore hugged him tight enough to highlight every muscle on his body. It made me think about the dragonfly tattoo on his abs that was hidden underneath the shirt.

  “What are you supposed to be?” I crossed my arms, inspecting him up and down one more time.

  He spun around to show off his whole costume. “A greaser, baby,” he responded, dropping his black sunglasses down to look at me. “Duh.” I eyed him carefully as a smirk rose onto his face. “And what are you supposed to be?” He lifted an eyebrow, the unlit cigarette moving in his mouth to each word.

  I lifted the fake rose in my hand. “Princess Belle, duh.”

  His full smile appeared as he made his way over to me, wrapping me up in a hug. “You look great by the way,” he played with my hair, still maintaining a massive smile on his face.

  “Thank you.” I could feel the butterflies bursting in my stomach as he leaned his head down and placed a precise kiss on my forehead.

  “Surprised you’re not wearing red lipstick.”

  I rolled my eyes. “It wouldn’t have gone as well with my costume.”

  Axe chuckled, shaking his head as he made his way over to the kitchen counter to take the liquor out.

  After only a few shots, I was slightly buzzed, but nowhere near entirely drunk. I felt good though, satisfied. We danced our way around ATA, laughing our asses off. Axe spun me around and playfully tickled me as he hugged me to him, which surprised me. I had only seen his misbehaved side on the dance floor before tonight.

  Last time we were here, Lucas wouldn’t get his hands off of me. But right now, being here with Axel, I felt safe. I knew that he wasn’t going to let anything happen to me.

  More people started to enter the party and the costume contest became fierce. There were costumes ranging from the Mystery Gang from Scooby Doo to sexy witches and wizards.

  A small group of girls dressed as Playboy bunnies watched us from the corner, whispering to each other. They gave smug smiles at the sight of Axel, overtaken by his charm.

  I nudged him. “Those girls over there are staring at you.” He took a quick glance, then shrugged. “Why don’t you go talk to them?”

  His nose wrinkled. “Nah,” he said, leaning in. “Maybe they’re not staring at me. Maybe they’re staring at you.”

  I brought my brows in. “And why would they do that?”

  “Because… maybe they’re trying to figure out if you’re beauty or if you’re beast.”

  I playfully pushed him over, trying to hide back my stupid smirk. Axel laughed, “Kidding!” He cocked his head to the side to signal for me to follow him.

  We walked out the back doors, revealing the same brick wall that we had our first kiss against.

  “Alright, why’d you drag me out here?”

  “It was hot in there. I needed a breather,” Axe said, resting his back against the wall.

  I kicked at the pebbles underneath my feet. “How late did you want to stay until?”

  “I’m fine with whatever.”

  “Okay. I just told Penelope I’d text her when I was on my way home.”

  Axe tilted his head. “You know you’re welcome to stay at the apartment.”

  I scrunched my face together. “Eh, probably not.”

  “Why not? You’ve slept there before.”

  “Yeah, but that was also when I was hammered, so I didn’t have a choice. For all I know, you could be secretly plotting to kill me this time,” I joked.

  “Yep, how’d you know?”

  “I can read minds.”

  “Yeah? Then what am I thinking of right now?”

  I squinted my eyes at Axe, deep in thought. “Probably sex.”

  Axe gazed off for a second, doing one-shoulder shrug. “Not a bad guess, but no.”

  “Then I’m out of guesses.”

  “Sex was your only guess?”

  “Pretty much,” I said, crossing my arms in the chilly air.

  “I don’t think about sex twenty-four-seven,” he said. I lifted a brow, questioning him. “C’mon. I think you know by now that I’m not as bad as you initially thought I was.”

  “Debatable,” I teased.

  Axe smirked charmingly. “And just for the record, I was thinking about how pretty you look tonight.” A tiny grin came about my lips. Axe caught sight of it, stepping closer. “Ah, there’s a smile!”

  “I’m going back inside,” I insisted, trying to hide my grin as I turned on my heels and retreated back to the party.

  I jumped around in the sea of people, enjoying being the perfect in-between of sober and drunk. My smile faded as more people walked in, with one catching my eye in particular. A guy in a Marines costume caught my eye immediately, sending shivers down my spine. The sight made my eyes water, but I couldn’t look away. My mind replayed every second spent with Connor, both forwards and backwards, both good and bad. I stood, staring, frozen.

  “Tate?” I could hear Axel calling my name.

  “Oh shit. She’s having a flashback,” Gi noted.

  “A what?” Axel asked.

  “Just get her out of here!”

  I could hear them talking, but I didn’t have the mental capacity to snap out of my trance. All I could see was Connor’s face, disgusted and disappointed with me. Nicole had walked down an aisle to Connor at the end of it while he wore the exact same uniform as the one at the party, yet I never got to see him wear it in person. And at this point, I wouldn’t want to. But just because I didn’t want to, didn’t mean his grip on me loosened any bit. Feelings for Connor were long gone, but the grief still stayed.

  Axel picked me up and carried me outside as a few tears fell down my cheek. He carried me the three blocks back to the apartment. I didn’t really remember the walk. I was still too dissociated.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, rubbing my arm when we got inside. I slowly nodded, finally returning to reality. He moved his body closer to mine, until I could feel his heat. “Tate, are you sure?”

  “Yes…” I managed to get out.

  His hand softly touched mine. “What happened?” he asked.

  “I’m fine,” I assured him.

  “Tate…”

  “It was nothing.”

  “You can tell me if something is wrong.”

  “Axe, I’m okay.”

  His green eyes gazed into mine intensely. I pushed my lips together, listening to nothing but the sound of our breaths. The energy in the air told me he wanted to kiss me, but instead of just going for it, he brought his hand up to my cheek. Axe slowly moved his thumb over my cheekbone, eyes traveling down to my lips.

  I couldn’t take it any longer. I connected my lips to his and he immediately moved his hands to my hips. My mouth parted, allowing him to slip his tongue inside. I wrapped my legs around his middle as he picked me up and brought me into his room, his lips never leaving mine. Axe set my feet down as soon as we got inside, backing me up against the wall. He gripped his shirt from behind his neck and tugged it over his head, exposing the dragonfly tattoo that I had been missing earlier in the night. I ran my hands over his skin, taking in every inch of it. His soft lips left my mouth and began to carefully trace my neck. I hummed at the feeling, grasping the waistband of his boxers that were peering out of his black jeans.

  Axe’s lips met mine again. His hands slowly moved to undo the clasp of my top, but just before he popped it off, I turned my head.

  “Wait,” I muttered, “I don’t want to do this unless we were actually… together.”

  Even in the dim light from the moon shining through the window, I could still see the corners of his mouth turn up. “Okay,” he started, “then let’s be together. I want to be together.”

  “No.”

/>   His face fell. “No? Why?”

  I wasn’t ready to be with him, let alone anyone. And I wished I could’ve explained it to him, but I didn’t have enough confidence to. I was still shameful about my past, shameful about my disorder.

  My eyes didn’t leave his. “I just… I just can’t.”

  Axe’s hands fell to his sides, along with his smile. The smile that I adored so much.

  “I care about you, you know,” he said.

  “Just like you care about every other girl you’ve ever hung out with?”

  His frown lengthened, upset with my response. I hadn’t meant to hurt him, but the words had just come out. I guess my defensive wall was still up too high.

  “C’mon, Tate. Don’t be like that,” Axe quietly said, turning his head away. After a few moments, he turned back towards me, reaching for my hand, but I pulled it away.

  Axe looked me directly in the eyes for a second, realizing that I wasn’t planning on responding. He spun around and walked over to his closet, pulling out a t-shirt and setting it on the bed.

  “Goodnight, then,” he said dryly, walking out and shutting the door behind him.

  Damn it. I just fucked him over and fucked myself over all at once.

  Chapter Eight

  The Truth

  My nightmares are what caused me to wake up early. I changed out of Axe’s t-shirt that he had laid out for me the night prior and threw my own clothes back on. I felt bad for waking Gi up so early, but there was absolutely no way I could be there when Axe woke up.

  After falling asleep with guilt surrounding me, I didn’t have the nerve to confront him in the morning. The look on his face when I told him I couldn’t be with him was engrained into my mind. Not to mention the embarrassment I felt after having another flashback in front of him.

  Gi yawned as she drove us back to the dorms. “So, are you going to tell me why the hell we had to leave so early?”

  I breathed heavily, my eyes glossing over. “Last night,” I paused, playing with my own hands, “Axe told me he wanted to be together.”