Forever Burn Read online

  I tugged at my hair as I watched him walk away, both relief and guilt washing over me. But at the same time, I wasn’t worried. Because I knew he’d be back.

  Connor and Nicole got back together almost instantly and within a few weeks, I awoke to my phone buzzing on my nightstand. I groggily answered, holding the phone up to my ear.

  “Hello?”

  “Tate?”

  The voice caused my eyes to immediately open, overtaken by a million feelings hijacking my conscience. “What do you want, Connor?”

  “Just wanted to talk.”

  “You shouldn’t be calling me.”

  “You should be happy that I am.”

  “You have a girlfriend.”

  “I haven’t talked to her in a couple of days.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “She was annoying me,” he shortly responded.

  “If she annoys you so much, then why are you with her?”

  “Because I love her.”

  His answer caused a little twinge of pain inside my chest. I scrunched my eyes shut. “Then why are you calling me?”

  “Because I can.”

  I rubbed my forehead, too tired to be getting into this conversation. I sighed, “I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” I hung up the phone and laid back down, but once my eyes shut, the phone rang again. I grabbed at it, annoyed, knowing who it was. “What?” I answered.

  “Why’d you hang up on me?”

  “Call your girlfriend instead,” I snapped, hanging up again. But the second I placed my phone back on the nightstand, it was immediately buzzing again. I sighed loudly. “Stop calling me!” I said, irritated.

  “You wanna know why I’m with Nicole?” he asked, before I had the chance to hang up again. I stayed silent, my tired mind unable to keep up with the conversation. “Because you fucked things up.”

  His words drilled into me, plunging at my heart. “I didn’t…” I sadly said.

  “Yes, you did. You gave up. You left.”

  A single tear fell down my cheek. “I’m sorry… I didn’t have a choice.”

  “You didn’t fight for me.”

  “I tried…”

  “Well, you could’ve tried harder.”

  I wiped my tear away, taking a deep breath. “I’m going to bed,” I repeated. “Goodnight.”

  I hung up again, turning my phone off this time to ensure that I would not be receiving any more calls. But even though my phone had stopped ringing, my mind was still on a loop, unable to stop thinking over the situation.

  Each night from then on, between the hours of midnight and three in the morning, my phone would be buzzing. Nonstop. He would keep me on the phone for hours to tell me about his love for Nicole and how he only felt that way because I had fucked up. And if I hung up the phone, he would just keep calling until I answered. If I blocked his number, then he would use someone else’s phone.

  On top of calling anytime he was bored, he called me any and every time he needed a favor, guilting me into doing it for him. And if I didn’t, then I would be accused of never truly loving him and that that was why things never worked out between us.

  On the last night that I saw Connor, I went to his house to say goodbye to him. He gave me a quick hug and I pulled away before asking, “So are you really never coming back to Wilmot?”

  Connor glared at me with no feeling or guilt in his eyes. “No, I’ll be back. Only for her though.” His straight face as he spoke shattered my heart, leaving me breathless. Why didn’t he want to come back to see me? Did she really mean that much more to him than I did?

  On the night before Connor left for the Marines, he gave me one last phone call. I sadly answered the phone, knowing that it would be the last time I talked to him for a while. We casually talked for twenty or so minutes and I began to tear up when I knew the conversation was coming to a close.

  “I have to go…” he said. “Goodbye, I love you.”

  “I love you too,” I said, before hanging up the phone, tears immediately running down my cheeks.

  The phone call haunted me. I didn’t go to school for over a week, my mind too disrupted to focus. The only thing I could do was sit in bed and cry, lost in my own thoughts. And the worst part was even after everything he put me through, I still missed him.

  I wrote a letter to him each week, desperate to get a response, but I never did. Within six months of his departure, there was a ring on Nicole’s finger, and I hadn’t heard from or seen either of them since. That phone call was the last time Connor had ever spoken to me.

  I had spent over three years as Connor’s property. I was his puppet. And he pulled the strings.

  After their wedding, I was never the same. I shied away from everyone, and even when other guys started to take interest in me, I refused to get involved. The constant hurt and feeling of emptiness lead to the beginning of my symptoms. The shaming, lying, manipulating, gaslighting, threatening, belittling, ignoring, criticizing, blaming, controlling and the pressure of the situation itself all caused permanent damage.

  I had to start seeing a therapist when the flashbacks started to get out of control. She informed me that I had foregone a lot of emotional trauma, explaining that trauma chemically changes the brain, and that it didn’t help that it all happened at a vulnerable point in my life. My early teen years were ruined by emotional, narcissistic, and psychological abuse. A psychologist diagnosed me with Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was similar to regular PTSD, but had more symptoms and occurred from ongoing stress or trauma, rather than just one single event.

  Over time, I learned coping methods for better controlling my flashbacks and breakdowns, but that didn’t mean they fully went away.

  The scars would always stay.

  Chapter Five

  The Guitar

  I had nightmares regarding Connor and Nicole for the next few nights, which was sadly normal for me. Axel had been texting me numerous times a day, trying to make small talk and asking if I wanted to hang out, but I had been ignoring all his texts since the last time I saw him.

  Cutting Axel off wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to do, but I knew that it was what I needed to do. I barely trusted myself as it was, so I sure as hell couldn’t trust anyone else.

  Claire, Gianna, and I were sitting in their room, doing homework. I was sprawled out on the couch, glancing over at Gianna every few minutes to see the sight of her gushing at her phone. Her and Ash were still talking, seeing each other almost every day. As happy as I was for Gi, I was also kind of upset by it. The thought of Ashton obviously made me think of Axel.

  Gianna stood up from her desk. “Where are you going?” Claire asked. She still had no idea about Axel and I, nor Ashton and Gianna.

  Gianna and I had made a deal that we would cover for each other if anything regarding either of the boys popped up. She gave me a concerned look, begging for me to help her out.

  “Um,” Gianna started, pulling excuses straight out of her ass, “I told my friend Ashley that I would go study with her.”

  “Who’s Ashley?” Claire innocently asked.

  “She’s… from my bio class,” Gi said.

  “Oh, yeah, I… know Ashley,” I budded in, trying my best to help cover for her.

  “You know her too?” Claire asked, turning in her desk chair to face me.

  I nodded briefly, trying not to make eye contact with her so that she wouldn’t be able to sense my bullshit.

  “Oh, okay,” Claire said, not thinking anything of it. “Well when will you be back?”

  Gi glimpsed over at me, unsure of herself and cringing at the fact that she was lying straight to her cousin’s face. “I’m not really sure.”

  “Okay, well if you’re leaving, then maybe I’ll go hang out with Jason for a while.” Claire turned towards me, “But only if you don’t mind us both leaving.”

  The truth was that I did mind, but I wouldn’t admit that. I didn’t want to stop either of them from seeing people they genuin
ely enjoyed spending time with, even if that meant that I would be alone.

  “No, that’s okay. You guys can go.”

  They both seemed relieved as they thanked me, letting me know that I was welcome to stay in their room and do more homework for as long as I wanted.

  Shortly after they left, I went back into my own room. Within minutes of plopping into bed, there was a knock at my door. I grumbled as I climbed down from my lofted bed, curious as to who would be knocking on my door on a Friday afternoon. When I opened the door, Axel stood in front of me.

  “Hey,” his glowing eyes rested delicately on me.

  “Hi,” I responded, puzzled by his random appearance.

  “Can I come in?”

  I pushed the door fully open and moved out of the way so that Axel could come inside. This was one of the many moments that I was glad Penelope took so many classes. It would’ve been extremely awkward if she was here right now and she would’ve wondered what the hell was going on.

  “How did you get into the building?” I wondered.

  He looked down at the floor and then up at me. “I waited for someone to go in before me and then I snuck in behind them,” a small, embarrassed grin came upon him, making me want to grin too, but I didn’t. “But um,” his grin fell as he continued to speak, “I just wanted to come here and make sure you were okay, since you haven’t really been answering my texts for the past few days.”

  I was taken off guard by his reasoning for coming here. Why did he care enough to take time out of his day to come make sure I was alright? Axel usually got bored easily with the girls he messed around with and the fact that we were never messing around with each other made me even more confused as to why his efforts were still high.

  “Oh, yeah, I’m okay,” I shyly uttered. I could tell he didn’t believe me, and I didn’t blame him. I didn’t believe me either.

  His eyes softened, “Are you sure? Tate, you can tell me if something’s wrong.”

  I was astounded by how caring and gentle he was being. When I first met Axel, he was a douche, and now he was acting as if he truly cared about me. Of course, I wanted to believe that he did, but I couldn’t allow myself to fall back into old habits. And on top of my lack of trust, I was too scared to tell him the truth.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Then come hang out at the apartment tonight,” he pleaded.

  Since Claire and Gianna had left to hang out with their boy toys, I had no idea what I would be doing tonight. I debated waiting around for Penelope to get back so that I could ask her if she wanted to go to the frats tonight, but knowing her, she wouldn’t want to.

  “Well, I was gonna go to the frats tonight,” I lied, knowing that I currently had no solid plans.

  “Then we can pregame at the apartment with Gianna and Ash and then the four of us could all go to ATA for the night,” he offered eagerly.

  I was scared to go, afraid that another night drinking would cause me to give in to Axel. But I also didn’t want to be stuck in my dorm on a Friday night. Either way was a loss.

  “Okay, fine,” I gave in. “I’m gonna take a shower and get ready and then I’ll meet you over there.”

  He tilted his head down. “Promise?” He doubted that I would actually show up. I hated the fact that I seemed so wishy-washy to him, but I couldn’t help it. My mind was a clusterfuck and it was stressing me out. I had tried numerous times now to stay away from Axel, but every time I did, he just kept reappearing.

  “Yes, I promise,” I replied, reluctantly.

  After my shower, I threw some makeup on to hide the bags of stress that had been forming under my eyes and got dressed.

  Although a big part of me didn’t want to go over to the apartment, I knew that I had to. I made a promise to Axel that I would and even though tons of people had broken promises to me throughout my past, I had never broken any of mine.

  I sighed as I opened my door, about to leave to go to the apartment.

  “Oh, Lucas,” I jumped.

  “Hey,” he rubbed the back of his head, “I was just about to knock.”

  I did another one of my shy, meaningless smiles that I always put on when around Lucas. I assumed that he had done what Axel did and snuck into the building behind someone.

  “I, um, just wanted to come by and ask if you had plans tonight? Pi Rho is throwing so I was wondering if you wanted to come to the party with me.”

  Even though I initially dreaded going to the apartment, now I had never been so happy to have plans with Axel. At least I had an excuse to turn Lucas down.

  “I’m so sorry, but I already have plans tonight,” I explained.

  His face contorted. “With Axel?”

  I was surprised by his angry tone. “Would it matter if it was?” I snapped back, annoyed that Lucas was prying into my personal business.

  “Yeah, it would actually. Axel is a complete dick and you shouldn’t be hanging around him. Did you know he’s gotten in trouble with the law twice this year alone?”

  I was slightly concerned by the new information that was thrown at me, but my concern still wasn’t enough to overtake my feelings of annoyance.

  “Well, I’m sorry, but I have to go,” I said, quickly locking my door behind me and walking away.

  After a couple drinks and a few shots, I sat on the other side of the couch from Axel, trying to keep as much distance between us as possible. There was an acoustic guitar sitting in the corner next to the tv, something I hadn’t noticed the last time I was over. I stood up and walked towards to it.

  “Do you play?”

  Axel cringed as I picked the guitar up, clearly not wanting to answer the question. “No, not really.”

  “Hell yeah, he plays,” Ash chimed in, “and he can sing too.”

  Axel shot him a look, annoyed that Ash had said anything.

  “Can you play us something?” I asked in my small, frail voice.

  Axe studied me as I gave an innocent smile. His chest rose and fell with a heavy breath. “Um, yeah, I guess so.”

  I brought the guitar over to him, prepared to hear what he had in mind. Axe rested the guitar on his knee, holding the neck of it with his left hand. He shifted around in his seat nervously.

  Ash, Gianna, and I all gathered around in a state of excitement, the absolute opposite of Axel’s current feelings. His shaking hands slowly began to strum the guitar, creating a beautiful harmony as he began to sing Ed Sheeran’s “Perfect.”

  I examined the tense and release of the muscles in his right arm as his hands glided across the strings. I didn’t know what I was originally expecting, but his voice was more beautiful than I could’ve imagined. Every so often, he looked up at me, sending butterflies to circle around in my stomach. His song choice was delicate, yet perfect, and it was refreshing to know that he had a soft side. Axe’s tattooed arms and bad reputation didn’t match his gentle voice, but I kind of liked it.

  When he was done, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, even when I tried my hardest to. The fear of the way he made me feel caused me to tense up. It was clear that no matter how much I tried to ignore or avoid Axel, he just kept coming around. The only option left was to friendzone him before he could actually try to make a move.

  Within the next hour, we were already at ATA. The lights were bright, and the music was loud, creating the perfect party scene. I was surprised to find that even after twenty minutes of being there, Axel was still by my side.

  I nudged him, “Surprised you’re not standing in your usual hunting corner.”

  His eyebrows shot up as his smile rose. “My what?”

  “You heard me.”

  “My hunting corner?” he asked with a chuckle.

  “Mhmm.”

  He turned directly towards me, his chest less than a foot away from mine. He inspected every inch of my face. “Why spend the night over there when I can be here?” he asked, gently bringing his hand up to my head and moving a single one of my curls that had been out of pla
ce.

  Butterflies swirled within me, breath faltering as I wondered what his next move was about to be.

  “Hey, Axel!” a voiced called.

  Axel turned, his charming smile reappearing at the sight of his frat brothers. “I’ll be right back,” he said.

  “Don’t feel obligated to,” I joked.

  He grinned and rolled his eyes as he walked away, leaving me with a feeling of almost missing him.

  “I’ll be right back too,” Ash said to Gi. She nodded before he walked off, following in the direction of his brother.

  Gianna and I were living it up on the dance floor as the boys talked to their frat brothers on the other side of the room. I figured that Axel would try to dance with me again tonight at some point, and I was conflicted as to how I felt about it. My drunken self wanted to let loose and have fun, but the growth of my feelings towards Axe were making me paranoid. My best bet was to simply find someone random to dance with. That way, no feelings whatsoever would be involved.

  As the party began to fill with even more people, I scouted the crowd, becoming sidetracked by the disappointed look on Gi’s face.

  “What’s wrong?” I yelled over the music.

  “I miss Ash!”

  I rolled my eyes. “You’ve been away from him for twenty minutes, calm down!”

  “I just really like him, Tate!”

  Before I could respond, I felt someone grab my waist from behind. I assumed that it was Axel and just as I was about to give in to his touch and push up against him, I noticed the frightened look on Gianna’s face, causing me to turn around. Lucas was behind me, clearly intoxicated.

  “Hey,” he said, sluggish, “you look hot.”

  “What are you doing here, Lucas? You’re not even in this frat.”

  “I came to see you,” he leaned closer.

  The smell of alcohol spilled out of his mouth each time he spoke. His eyes trailed down my body, and he bit his lip at the sight. When I first met Lucas, he made me uncomfortable by being overly sweet. And now, he made me uncomfortable by his impoliteness.

  I backed away from him, but his grip on my waist tightened. I was starting to get furious by the way he was acting. I wanted his hands off of me. “Let me go,” I warned, struggling to undo his grip. “Lucas, stop! Let me go!”