Forever Burn

  Forever

  Burn

  TRINITY LEMM

  Chapter One

  The Stranger

  Strobe lights flashed throughout the room. The entire basement of the fraternity house was packed. People bumped into me left and right and although it was extremely annoying, I just focused on having fun. The music blared so loud that it was nearly impossible to hear anyone talking to you unless they were screaming in your face.

  I had been in a good mood all night, not just part of it, and when nights like that came along, it was important for me to take advantage of it because nights like these were few and far between.

  Claire, Gianna, and I danced our way around the basement. We had been drinking a bit before we had gotten there, so we were already a little tipsy. The boys of Alpha Tau Alpha scouted all the girls at the party, trying their best to find one girl dumb enough to want to go upstairs with them. I had a few guy friends in this frat and although most of the guys in the frat were kind gentlemen, they were only that way towards the girls that they were strictly friends with. The rest of the girls were fair game.

  I had come to Western Michigan University for a new start. I had gone the past few years dying to get out of Wilmot and now that I finally had, I was happy– for the most part at least. My past had always come around to bite me in the ass.

  I had known Claire and Gianna for two or so years now. We used to go to the same dance studio back home, so when we all decided to go to the same college, I was ecstatic. Knowing that I would have friends with me lessened my stress on move in day.

  We danced with each other at the frat party, not paying attention to the dozens of guys around us or the couples that were dancing against each other. I didn’t care enough to look at any of them or to find my own guy to dance with. All I wanted to do was be invisible to guys until I could figure my shit out.

  Claire stopped moving for a second, her eyes hovering past me. She looked alarmed.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “That guy over there. He’s been staring at you for the past fifteen minutes.”

  I furrowed my brows, confused as to why any guy would be staring at me when there were dozens of other girls here to be looking at. I whipped around, making eye contact with the mysterious boy and immediately regretting it. He stood tall. His wide frame took up a good amount of the wall that he was leaning against. His brown curls were the perfect amount of clean, yet messy and even from across the room, I could see his defined jawline. He grinned at me while watching me curiously.

  I turned back towards Claire. She could tell I was uncomfortable. “Who is that?” I screamed over the music. My red lipstick formed a straight line as I pressed my lips together. Claire shrugged her shoulders, clearly just as confused as I was. Gianna stepped into the conversation.

  “Axel Burne!” she yelled, barely loud enough to hear over the deafening music. After hearing the name come out of Gianna’s mouth, Claire knew exactly who he was. A look of worry came over her and she grabbed my wrist, pulling me in close enough so that I could hear her every word.

  “I’ve heard about him. He’s bad news, Tatum. Everyone says he’s a piece of shit. Don’t even look at him twice,” Claire said. I nodded. Of course, he was a piece of shit. Most guys were. And by simply looking at him once, I could tell. He looked like the typical college douchebag.

  I kept my back to where I last saw Axel standing. I’ll admit that he was hot as hell, but I knew that the last thing I needed was to become involved with him in any way possible. The three of us continued to dance and after another ten or so minutes, curiosity got the best of me. I quickly looked to see if Axel was still there. An empty spot was all that was left of where he once stood and I was both disappointed and relieved at the sight.

  When I turned back around, a tall, wide frame stood in front of me. I could see Axel’s muscles bulging out the sleeves of his white t-shirt. Tattoos were scattered across both of his arms. Damn.

  He leaned in so that his mouth was directly next to my ear.

  “Dance with me.”

  I was slightly taken aback. I could smell the alcohol on his breath, and I didn’t know how to react. I glanced behind me to see Claire and Gianna dancing with two random guys. My mouth fell slightly open and my eyebrows shot up for a quick second, before dropping back down.

  Fuck it.

  I turned my backside towards Axel, backing up until I was against him and began to sway side to side. He placed his hands on my hips and pulled me closer to him. His fingers laid on the skin between my black crop top and my jeans, sending electricity through my body. After a few songs, I could feel the bulge in his pants pressed up against me. It made me feel accomplished.

  I had no intentions of getting to know Axel or of dancing with him again after tonight. Even though he was gorgeous and was making my heart pound with the way he held me to him, it was evident that he was no good for me. Hookups had never been my thing and relationships weren’t really my thing either— at least not anymore. I kept my distance from guys at all costs.

  I was surprised with the amount of calmness I contained while dancing with Axel. It was my only motivation to keep going. Every now and then, I would look over towards Claire and Gianna to make sure they were still in sight. The last thing I needed was to lose them in the crowd.

  Axel picked up a hand off of my hip and moved my long brown hair, that I had curled a few hours before, over to one side. Once he had my neck in sight, he buried his head into the crook. I could feel his chestnut brown curls against the side of my face, but I didn’t mind. The alcohol in my system ignited my adrenaline as he slowly and carefully brought his lips to my neck. I was a little confused with how gentle his lips were against my skin. I figured he was the aggressive type. The type that went in for the kill as soon as he got the chance. His kisses moved up my neck until he was by my ear. I could feel his hot breath on me, and I’m not going to lie, the feeling made me smirk.

  “Tate, let’s go!” Claire shouted towards me. I fell out of the trance that I was in and slight disappointment came about when I realized that our dance session was over. My hips stopped moving and I stood up straight, taking a deep breath as Gianna grabbed my hand and yanked me over to her. I turned around as she pulled me away, shooting one last shy smile in Axel’s direction. He had a mixture of disappointment and confusion on his face, standing there, as he kept his eyes on me. I watched as he disappeared in the flood of people.

  Stepping outside felt so refreshing after being stuck in the middle of people for nearly three hours. On top of it already being so hot in the party, dancing for so long with Axel made me break a small sweat, so the quiet breeze felt good. We started walking towards our dorm. Stanley Hall wasn’t too far from Fraternity Village, a little less than a mile or so. But it was so nice out that we didn’t mind walking. We knew that the warm, mid-September air would turn to cold Michigan weather sooner or later, so we wanted to take advantage of it while we could.

  “So, are you gonna spill or what?” Claire started. It was obvious that she was referring to Axel, but I didn’t feel like explaining, mainly because I barely even knew what the hell happened back there. Her bright blonde hair cascaded down her back as her hazel irises glared into me harshly.

  “Spill what?” I looked ahead instead of at her, hoping that playing dumb would force her to just drop it. Claire had always been more curious and straightforward than Gianna. I loved her, but goddamn she was always nosy. I could see the disapproval in her face as I glanced over at her.

  “Um, Axel? I thought I told you he was no bueno. His body count is like twenty.”

  “I heard it was thirty,” Gianna chimed in.

  Even though the conversation annoyed me, I felt truly blessed to have friends
that cared that much. “Claire, we were just dancing. I wouldn’t have even danced with him in the first place if I hadn’t seen you and Gi dancing with those two dipwads. And plus, you know I can’t date people or even talk to guys for that matter, so it’s really nothing to worry about.”

  I had no intent on allowing the conversation to continue, so I made sure it ended there. There was no point in trying to argue what I already knew. Axel was just some guy I danced with for twenty simple minutes. It meant nothing and it never would mean anything. Him holding me tight and kissing my neck was just a normal, horny, college boy thing. It wasn’t any new behavior and it was nothing to read into. My control over my thoughts and emotions had come too far to allow anyone, especially some guy that I didn’t even know, to mess it up. I saw my strength as the ability to resist. I saw it as control over myself and each situation I was in. The memory of the lack of control I had over the past four years flickered into my head, but I quickly pushed it away. There was no need to go down that road right now.

  I laid down in bed once we got back and fell asleep within minutes. The thought of Axel was already out of my mind, and I planned on keeping it that way.

  The next couple of days were nothing special. I spent all my time at class, studying, or with the girls, waiting patiently for the weekend to come so that we could go out and have fun. I was so proud of myself for having a good time the weekend before, uninterrupted by intrusive thoughts or fears or remembering things that I didn’t want to.

  Before I knew it, Friday had rolled around. We all got ready in Claire and Gianna’s room. I had bought a new white shirt a few weeks prior and I was too excited to be wearing it. It crossed over and tied in the front, tight enough to make my decently sized breasts look slightly bigger. My curled brown hair rested gently against my back as I slipped my black heels on. I stood directly in front of the mirror on the wall, slowly tracing my red lipstick over my mouth. The goal was to have another good night. No anxiety. And certainly, no triggers.

  We made our way to Fraternity Village with the slightest bit of alcohol resting in our systems, as always.

  “Where do we wanna start tonight?” Gianna asked, chin up. Her short, light brown hair rested directly above the powdered blue strapless shirt she wore that fit her as if it was made for her. It was impossible to ignore the fact that she illuminated kindness and confidence, both traits that I wish I had more of.

  Claire usually chose which frats we went to. She was always good at sniffing out which ones had the best parties of the night. She stopped walking for a second and looked in all directions of Fratville, taking in which ways sounded the loudest and rowdiest. Her pointer finger rose to our left, so that’s the way we began to walk towards. ATA was that way, and although we never tended to go there at the beginning of the night, we usually ended up there by the end of it.

  “Sig Omega?”

  Gianna and I both nodded, not having a single care as to where Claire lead us, as long as it would be fun and trigger free. There was a group behind us, all girls, except for two guys. Claire noticed them too, shaking her head with the knowledge that they didn’t have a chance of getting into any party on the block. We walked past the guys at the front without a single issue, hearing the annoyed groans and sighs of the group behind us. They were denied. It was well known that guys wouldn’t be allowed into any frat party, unless they knew specific people in the frat or were in Greek life.

  I could feel eyes on me as I made my way inside. I glanced around myself. One of the guys of the group stared me down, bright blue eyes penetrating into my soul. He was kind of cute, but there was no way I was going to cross paths with him again tonight and even if I had, I wouldn’t be able to talk to him. My courage was too low, and my guard was up too high.

  Like every other frat in the neighborhood, the lights flashed sporadically on the dance floor. The smell of alcohol and marijuana flooded the house, enough to make my nose wrinkle in disgust. We began to dance like the freakshows we were and after thirty minutes, we were already bored. The music wasn’t that good anymore and it was clear that Claire and Gianna felt the same way.

  We made our way to Pi Rho. A small sigh escaped my mouth as we got closer, knowing that Claire only wanted to come here to see Jason, the guy she’s had a crush on since orientation. But truly, I didn’t mind Jason. I only minded Lucas, his best friend and fraternity brother. Lucas was sweet and fairly attractive, but he had been trying to get with me since orientation. His continuous efforts were just annoying and cringey by now. If I wasn’t so paranoid, maybe I would’ve gone for him too. The past wasn’t around the corner type recent, but it still felt fresh, and it would feel that way for a very long time. Hence the constant paranoia.

  The entrance to Pi Rho was around the side of the house and Jason was already waiting there with a smile on his face for Claire, who ran into his arms at the sight of him. He lifted her feet off the ground for a second as Gianna and I took our time to catch up with them. People walked past on both sides of us, minding their own business. I tried to look around at them rather than to make eye contact with Lucas, whom I knew was standing near Jason, waiting for me to meet his gaze.

  Pi Rho usually threw their parties half inside and half outside. Their backyard was massive enough to fit hundreds of people. I was internally praying that we would stay outside so that Lucas wouldn’t try to back up behind me on the dance floor.

  “Hey, beautiful!” His ecstatic tone made me shudder. I gave a shy smile, one that I didn’t actually mean. His arms wrapped around me, making me feel the responsibility to hug back, so that I wouldn’t look like such a bitch. “How have you been?”

  “I’m good, how are you?”

  “I’m great now that you’re here,” he winked. Oof. Didn’t he understand by now that I wasn’t interested? If Claire hadn’t wanted to see Jason so bad, then there was no way in hell that I would even be at Pi Rho. She was the only reason why I sucked it up to deal with Lucas.

  I didn’t even respond to his cheesy remark. I had no reason to. So, instead, I just gave another meaningless grin. His hand made his way to mine and I quickly moved mine away at the touch.

  Hell no.

  That hug was enough action for him from me. That was all he was getting tonight, and he should’ve felt lucky that he even got that.

  Lucas clearly noticed my hesitation but disregarded it. “I’ve been meaning to ask you… do you maybe want to…” he paused for a quick second. I could tell he was nervous. I knew he was about to ask me on a date, and I was dreading to hear him finish the question. “Um, go get dinner with me either tomorrow night or next weekend?” He had been asking since the second school started, and I had turned him down every time. I didn’t understand why he thought asking again would make me give him a different answer.

  “I, um, don’t really know if I can tomorrow or if that’s really a good idea for me right now.” I was certainly harsh in my head, but I didn’t have the guts to be harsh in person too. The goal was to let him down as easily as possible, but it got difficult when you kept denying and denying and denying the same person over and over and over again. Lucas deserved an explanation as to why I was constantly turning him down, but I didn’t have the courage to give him one. My past and my current issues were things that I didn’t like to talk about. I was embarrassed and shameful, both symptoms of the disorder that branded me. If Claire and Gianna hadn’t been around when everything was happening, then even they probably wouldn’t know anything at all. That’s how much I hated discussing the topic and how much I hated thinking about it.

  Disappointment dawned on Lucas’s face. “Oh, uh, that’s alright. No worries.” I felt bad, but at the same time, was he really expecting a different answer than the one I had given him five hundred times before?

  We made our way around the side of the house to where the actual party was. The backyard was full of frat boys and girls so drunk that they were falling over. Jason grabbed Claire’s hand and led her inside through
the back door to where the dance floor was. I glanced over at Gianna, giving her a look that screamed let’s get the fuck outta here.

  Her bright blue eyes widened, and she nodded in agreement, but both of us knew that we couldn’t leave Claire here. We had made a pact that none of us would ever be left behind and even though she was with Jason, it was still sketchy. Lucas stayed by my side, the awkward tension sticking in the air from my denial of him a few minutes prior. Why wasn’t he inside already, finding another girl to dance with?

  Gianna could sense my frustration. “Lucas, you don’t have to stay out here with Tatum and I.” She motioned toward the house. “You can go inside if you want.”

  “No that’s okay.” His attention was on me. “I don’t mind.” His mouth turned upwards.

  Well I minded. I didn’t want him here.

  After fifteen minutes of small talk and awkwardness, Claire and Jason came outside, sweat formed on the sides of their temples. The brightest smile was on Claire’s face. My only reason for ever coming here.

  “Ready to go?” Gianna’s voice echoed annoyance, fully aware that Claire’s only incentive for coming to Pi Rho had everything to do with her own wants, not ours. Claire nodded, happily accepting a kiss on the cheek from Jason. I waved to the boys and we set off towards our next destination. It was already midnight, meaning we only had another hour or two before we would head back to Stanley.

  Gianna broke the silence. “ATA?”

  Thank God she said it. ATA always threw the best parties and after going to two that were mild, I was ready for a rager. Again, we walked in without a problem. It was the only time I was blessed to be a girl.

  The party was very much alive when we walked in. Empty beer bottles were lined along the floor and a majority of everyone we passed by had a drink in their hand. Western Michigan University was always known as Wastern, because everyone was constantly wasted. Our school most definitely lived up to its nickname.